I'm having a great day, laughing and singing and the like when, bam, I remember... Two years ago, almost to the minute, Trish and I were visiting Andrea in the Edmonton Ronald McDonald House... We had an awesome time, laughing and talking and drinking free hot chocolate and just generally being normal girls:) Except that one of us was in a wheelchair with a very uncertain future... That was the evening she told me she was just going to think about getting better, she wasn't going to dream about the future and make long-term plans. I think that evening was the last time I really saw her laugh... And unless you knew Andrea's laugh, you don't know what a loss that was. I'll never forget that evening. Shortly after that she moved back into the hospital, that was the only time I saw her in the RMH.
I'm reminded again that grieving is a life-long process. You can find closure, you can move on, but there's always a hole in your heart. And I'm reminded again why we hold our friends close while they're alive.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Echoes
Have you heard them lately? There have been a lot of them in my life the last week: memories of Andrea... Echoes of conversations we had, jokes we shared, sometimes, when I'm really listening, I think I can hear her laugh echoing down from heaven.
How can it be nearly a year? What amazes me is that I'm still alive myself. Before she died, thinking of losing her was surreal. I wondered, "Would I survive that? Would I ever be happy again?" The answer is yes, in proportion to the pain, God gives grace. In proportion to the grief, He sends joy. And when the initial shock and denial wear off, the resting in the fact that she's in a better place is gone, when the fact that I'll never see her here again hits home, that's when joy comes back too. You see, losing someone is like a really strong anaesthetic. You don't feel any pain, it's true, and it's absolutely necessary to get you through the first while. But it's not until that begins to wear off that you feel like truly laughing, smiling, singing again.
Now, though, as it's almost a year there are so many memories flooding my mind. "a year ago" Do you realise that it's only 18 days until it'll be a year since she died? And in exactly one month would be her 18th birthday? I've been very conscious of that... So it's bittersweet, sad that she's gone, that I'll never see her on this earth again, and yet a rejoicing because the year of painful "firsts" is over. And I'm so thankful that God helps me to move past my tears without forgetting her laughter.
How can it be nearly a year? What amazes me is that I'm still alive myself. Before she died, thinking of losing her was surreal. I wondered, "Would I survive that? Would I ever be happy again?" The answer is yes, in proportion to the pain, God gives grace. In proportion to the grief, He sends joy. And when the initial shock and denial wear off, the resting in the fact that she's in a better place is gone, when the fact that I'll never see her here again hits home, that's when joy comes back too. You see, losing someone is like a really strong anaesthetic. You don't feel any pain, it's true, and it's absolutely necessary to get you through the first while. But it's not until that begins to wear off that you feel like truly laughing, smiling, singing again.
Now, though, as it's almost a year there are so many memories flooding my mind. "a year ago" Do you realise that it's only 18 days until it'll be a year since she died? And in exactly one month would be her 18th birthday? I've been very conscious of that... So it's bittersweet, sad that she's gone, that I'll never see her on this earth again, and yet a rejoicing because the year of painful "firsts" is over. And I'm so thankful that God helps me to move past my tears without forgetting her laughter.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Memorial service, missing Andrea, and moving on
It's been a long time since I posted anything but no, I have not forgotten Andrea or all you friends who supported me and all the rest of us who lost her. There are days when I wonder how I'll go my whole life without ever talking to her again, there's so much to talk about. However, here in my new place Ive made a new friend who hasn't replaced Andrea in the least but has filled that 'best friend' spot every girl has in her heart. Two weeks ago there was a 'hearts' memorial service at the Maz and she made the long, 10 hour round trip with me to Edmonton and back for that. It was healing and beautiful, I cried like I haven't cried in months... I went away from that service a little more healed, a little less sad, and maybe almost ready to move on...
Andrea, I'll never forget you. Thanks for being my 'forever friend'. I can hardly wait to see you again. "and we'll be friends forever, Jesus and you and me, He ties our hearts together and friends we'll always be..."
Love your friend,
Natalie
Andrea, I'll never forget you. Thanks for being my 'forever friend'. I can hardly wait to see you again. "and we'll be friends forever, Jesus and you and me, He ties our hearts together and friends we'll always be..."
Love your friend,
Natalie
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